Getting In Bed with KATI MORTON

LIVE IT UP

Christina Grimmie, a musician/YouTuber, was killed last night by a sick individual for no reason. I keep thinking about how (obviously) she had no idea that yesterday was her last day to live, and just how heavy that feels.

She was so young, and I can't imagine all the things she will never get to do because her life ended so abruptly. I don't mean for this to be a depressing post (lol...I know, right?), just a thought-provoking one.

RIP Christina.


Life is just too short. LIVE.IT.UP.

Hopeless is Nothing

Negativity's a bitch, isn't it? Have you ever talked to someone who wanted help or advice but then they shoot down every single idea and thought you have? I mean, you name it and they've already tried it. They have a million and one reasons as to why it didn't work and a million and three reasons as to why it won't work if they were to try it again. It's the worst, right? *nods*

This might seem harsh, but sometimes people need to hear a bit of straightforward truth in order to get where they need to be. Sometimes people just aren't able to hear the more subtle hints that we are far more likely to offer.

Here's the thing. If you sit there and shoot down every single suggestion someone offers you, then, SPOILER ALERT, you don't actually want advice. You may say you do and you may honestly even believe that you do, but you don't. If you are not willing to accept the help and advice that is available to you, then you aren't ready to change your situation and or attitude.

Now, I understand that sometimes people just need to vent about their stresses, and that's totally fine, but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself if you're really doing yourself (or anyone) any good.
And, I would bet more often than not, that when you do this, it's probably at night, when you're worn out, or when you're not feeling well. My mom has always said that everything seems and feels so much worse when you're sick or tired, and SHE'S RIGHT. For example, if the thing you are talking about is out of your control and continuing to discuss it is not going to change anything...then you are wasting your time and energy. Not to mention possibly just making yourself feel worse.
I mean, why would you want to talk in circles about something that is just going to perpetuate a miserable cycle of negativity?!

There is no magical answer to your problems. It'd be fabulous if shit worked like that, but it doesn't, so we have to find (preferably healthy) ways to deal.

Also, if you aren't ready and willing to listen to and apply someone's advice to your life...then STOP ASKING FOR IT. That may sound harsh, but it's how a lot of people feel. It can be pretty disheartening to offer up your best advice only to be shot down by the person you just spent time listening to and caring about.

Nothing is hopeless. And don't say that your case is, because it's not. You just have to keep hope that things can get better. If you refuse to believe that things will get better then there isn't much room for things to improve, because all the space is filled with negativity and doubt. So, don't give up on the hope that things can improve, because if you do...it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm not sure if I've said everything I wanted to in this post or not...I started writing this almost three months ago and am just now getting back to it. But, either way, I hope you have found something in this post helpful or thought-provoking.

Until Next Time,
Carly (but really Batman)

My Meditation Playlist

Pure Obsessional OCD (Pure O) - Kati Morton on mental illness

How to NOT Be a Jerk on the Internet

Such an amazing video from such an amazing person. Please watch and share!

The Time I Added Music

4 TIPS: When to reach out for Professional mental health help?

I love this video!

Awkward Thug Does Walmart

Clumsy Girl Needs a Helmet

Listening to the Wind: Batman(NOS) Returns, vol. 2

BATMAN(NOS) RETURNS!

Screw You, Game of Thrones!

Do you ever feel lost? I mean, completely and utterly, I-haven't-got-a-clue-as-to-what-I'm-actually-supposed-to-be-doing-with-my-life lost? Really?! Okay, good! Phew! I'm glad I'm not alone in that. Unless, of course, you answered "No, Carly. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."....then I just don't know what to do with you.

Anyway, if you are in the aforementioned boat... Welcome! Please keep all arms and legs inside the vessel at all times unless otherwise instructed. You can (and should) expect ridiculous delays and randomly placed obstacles that include (but are not limited to) hoops of fire that you will be expected to jump through. And, yes, these hoops will appear even when you feel like you can't hold up your head.

*sigh* ...Ever feel like that? I do. It really sucks, doesn't it? And it's currently winter. I hate winter. It's so gloomy and depressing. And, when you actually struggle with depression, the cold weather and lack of sun just makes it that much more depressing.
I mean, WILL IT EVER END? Where's that damn groundhog when you need him?! Or his shadow. Wait, unless the shadow's bad... Is the shadow bad? Whichever means "Spring is coming!" is what I need.
Screw you, Game of Thrones! Winter isn't coming, it's already here and it sucks! WHEN IS SPRING?! (Spoiler alert: I actually do know the answer to that question.)



UPDATE: I believe I wrote everything above during the 2014-2015 winter and never published it. I guess I didn't think it was finished and didn't know where to go from there. Honestly, I can't believe I had enough creativity in me during a winter depression to even write that much! I must have been having a slightly "up" kind of day.

Boy, do I have enough creativity now though! *dances* Luckily, I'm currently in an Up Swing. *cue excessive applause*
I'm in so much of an Up Swing that I've actually already written and published another post today... *record scratches/music stops* *GASPS* *everyone freezes* I know. I know. It was just hours ago! Including this post, I've already written three whole blog entries this year...aaand last year, I had a whopping total of *wait for it* TWO entries. Look at me go! *victory dance*

On a similar note, I'm beginning to think I could live my life speaking in asterisks. *ponders*

Also, Jean-Ralphio Saperstein has turned out to be a big influence in my life the last few days and I find this to be highly unexpected, mildly funny, and moderately disturbing. *turns on Chris Traeger voice* I've literally been singing my sentences. And, as I silently read the words that I've just written, I find myself "hearing" them in Ron Swanson's voice. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Okay, well...on that note, I think I'll be going.

Until next time! *tips hat*
Carly (But really Batman)


P.S. NO SPOILERS FOR GAME OF THRONES OR ANY SHOW EVER, PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

P.P.S. After giving it some thought, I might publish this entry tomorrow since I already posted one today... But, for the record, I totally wrote this yesterday. However, if this ends up appearing on my blog under March 13, 2016...then I wrote this today.

♫ It's Just Another Manic Sunday ♫

Note to self: learn more alt codes CUZ DAT SHIT IS FUN

Ello, Internet! How YOU doin'? ;) (If you don't get that reference, we probably can't be FRIENDS.)

DISCLAIMER: I am fully aware that the actual lyrics to the song I referenced in this title are "it's just another manic Monday." However, today is Sunday, and the next line in the song is "I wish it was Sunday, 'cause that's my funday," sooo IT'S ALL GOOD, YO.

Also, just out of curiosity, whose funday is Sunday??? I mean, I realize that Sunday isn't Monday, which is nice, but I just have a difficult time believing that Sunday is as much of a funday as, oh, say...Saturday? *shrug* Whatever you say, ladies! And, by "ladies" I mean "The Bangles."

Okay, so, last weekend I went out of town to visit some people and do some bridesmaid attire shopping for a friend's wedding that is happening later this year. As a combination of my odd sleep schedule and anxiety, I got about literally ONE hour of shitty, barely-dozing sleep on Friday night. After, somehow, surviving the day without collapsing, crying, OR being excessively grouchy, I managed to sleep a whole FOUR hours Saturday night (technically, Sunday morning), before another full day of Doing Things. On Sunday night, I kept waking up but managed to sleep, off and on, for about 11 hours. Not exactly the most restful sleep, but it was better than the combined FIVE hours I had gotten the previous two nights.
On Monday, I laid down most of the day due to feeling like shit and also feeling rather depressed. On Tuesday, however, something happened; I started to feel different. Not just less shitty, physically...but mentally, as well. I still felt depressed, but it wasn't as much, and I was beginning to feel energized. I would say it was a back-and-forth kind of thing, but it was also a pretty at-the-same-time sort of thing, if that makes sense.
So, on Wednesday, it was more of the same (well, similar, at least), but I could tell I was feeling even more energized and even less depressed.
By the time Thursday came around, I felt like a million bucks and was tweeting things like, "TYPING IN LOWER CASE JUST DOESN'T SEEM ACCURATE RIGHT NOW BUT I'M NOT EVEN YELLING #HYPER"  and "Google just told me I'm the life of the party. #HYPER" with a rather upbeat and dance-y GIF from Pitch Perfect 2.

Now, I'm no mental health professional, but I'd venture to say that "#hyper" *might* be code for "#hypomanic."
And, apparently, I'm not the only one with that suspicion. For example, after talking with a few friends within the last few days, they were collectively like, "OH, HEY, IS YOUR DEPRESSION LIFTING? YAAAY!" and after a few more minutes they were like, "OH, HODE (HOLD) UP. ARE YOU MAYBE TOO UP?" and I was like, "PROBABLY. PROBABLY, I AM."
Lol... I may or may not have hooded-up those interactions, by the way...
But, I mean, "too up" is a relative term, yes? Or, maybe it's an objective term? Whatever the word is that means the definition can vary... #dyslexia

ANYWAY, I feel WONDERFUL and I'm stoked to finally not feel like winter froze over (Dear Carly, wtf are you even saying?). As of lately, I feel far more upbeat and dance-y and productive and talkative and I'm *finally* writing again (HOLLLLAAAA). Who knows, shit might get real crazy up in hurr, and I may or may not even start VLOGGING again! *GASP*

I'm not even sure what the point of this post is, other than maybe to attempt to express my hyperactivity in a semi creative fashion? Is blogging even considered creative these days? PROBABLY NOT since Snapchat is a thing. For the record, Snapchat is confusing AF, but that is another story for another time. I'm heynewshoes on Snapchat, by the way...and I've NEVER.POSTED.A.THING. *bows*

So, in conclusion, I may or may not be too up at the moment. I suppose time will tell. Or, maybe the fact that I'm turning into Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec and ♫ singing my seeentenceeees ♫ will tell. You decide. Or maybe I decide. WHATEVS. *shrug*

Well, that's not really all I've got for now, but if I don't stop myself here, this will be the post that never ends. So, I will catch you on the flip side!

Until Next Time... Peace out, yo,
Carly (But really Batman)


P.S. Despite the title of this post, I am currently listening to this song on repeat and it's 100% Hannah Hart's fault. So, from the bottom of my gay little heart...thank you, Hannah. :D *dances*

People are Crazy

People are crazy. Really, they are. And, a lot of the time, it has nothing to do with mental health diagnoses. Fo realz tho, I ain't got time for these crazies.

I'm incredibly sick of dealing with so much negativity in my life. But, what do you do when a lot of the negativity involves your family and you can't exactly escape it? Nor do you want to. Well, let me clarify...I want to get away from the negativity, for sure...I just don't exactly want to stop talking to these people, you know? And, it's not that simple anyway! UGH, can you say "rock and a hard place?!" Also, how did that phrase come to be? I mean, who literally got stuck between a rock and another hard place and decided to make that a thing people say? *googles*

Update: Okay, so, I just googled it, and, apparently, the phrase seems to have originated in the western United States (Arizona and California) in the 1920s and '30s. It had something to do with a financial crisis and or mining back in the day. #HistoryLesson #idioms

Do you like my use of hashtags there? Me either.

Oh, man...I haven't blogged in almost a year. Actually, I'm one week shy of going a year without blogging. So, excuse me if I'm a bit rusty. I feel like this is more of a journal entry than a blog post...but, I mean, what is a blog post if not a journal or sorts?

By the way, did you know that the word "blog" is short for "web-log?" Because it totally is. LOOK IT UP.

Okay, well...that's all I got for now.

Oh, wait! One more thing. I totally recently wrote a foreword for Kati Morton's new LGBTQ Workbook (check it out on iBooks and KatiMorton.com! It's FREE!). So, that's pretty exciting! I actually used the phrase, "From the bottom of my gay little heart" sooo if that sounds interesting to you, feel free to read it. Also, even if it doesn't sound interesting, just skip my foreword and read the workbook part. Kati worked really hard on it and it's wonderful.

Okay, well...that's really all I got for now.

Catch you on the flip side!

Until Next Time,
Carly (but really Batman)

Bad News (Not) Bears

   Once upon a time, in a land called High School, there was a freshman having a difficult time dealing with the divorce of her parents and the events that surrounded it. During that time, the High School social worker informed the freshman that she was grieving and that grieving takes time. The freshman was shocked to hear that she was grieving because she had always associated "grieving" with "death of a loved one". However, that isn't always the case. Grief can come in all shapes and sizes and for a myriad of different reasons. If someone is grieving, it means that they are experiencing deep sorrow. Obviously, this kind of heartbreak does, indeed, occur when a loved one passes away, but we can experience grief over any kind of real loss. 

   Have you ever received bad news? Of course you have. But, did it ever occur to you that you may need to grieve as a result? It may sound a bit odd at first, much like it did for the previously mentioned freshman in High School Land, but (I think) it's totally legit. For example, let's say that you have never had any specific reason to think that you might lose your hearing. And then, one day, after you've been straining to hear certain things for a while, you get your hearing testing. And, after the test, the audiologist tells you that you have mild to moderate hearing loss that will most likely continue to get worse and that you will, eventually, need hearing aids. Even if you are unlikely to lose all hearing, you have still experienced a loss that you didn't necessarily see coming. And, as a result, it is completely natural to need to process this information and potentially grieve for the hearing aid-less life you imagined living. Does that make sense? I hope so. I think this concept could be applied to many losses in our lives and, potentially, help us work through the tough stuff, accept our new reality, and eventually heal the heartbreak as much as possible. 

   With that being said, if you've recently been hit with a loss in your life, PLEASE let yourself grieve. It's okay to be sad and upset. I know these aren't pleasant feelings, but sometimes they are necessary. It's okay to cry and feel shitty for a while, just be sure to check in with yourself and make sure you aren't dwelling. Obviously, it's not good to grieve forever, but there is a time and a place for it. Also, if you haven't seen Kati Morton's video on Grief and Grieving, I would strongly encourage you to check it out! She also has some other videos in which she answers questions about grief. Here are the links: 

• Is it possible to grieve for someone who hasn’t actually died yet?
• What's the difference between normal grief and depression?
• Is it normal to grieve the loss of therapy?

I hope this oh-so unprofessional advice is of some help to someone out there. If you have anything you'd like to see me blog (or vlog) about, please feel free to let me know. I'd love to hear your thoughts!


Until Next Time, 
Carly (But really Batman)

How to Deal With the Anxiety Monster

   Your palms get clammy. Your muscles tense up. Your heart begins to beat faster and faster, working up to a racing pace. It's that physical, panic-all-over feeling that you hate. If you know what the hell I'm talking about, you have most likely experienced the phenomenon known as "Anxiety." You have my sincerest condolences. 

   Anxiety really sucks, doesn't it? It's like, THE most useless and inconvenient thing. Not actually, of course, but it sure as hell can seem like it. And the anxiety trigger could be anything from going to the store to taking a test to meeting new people to stepping out your front door. Or simply thinking about doing these things. It doesn't feel fair that people should have to experience such discomfort over seemingly simple events. And, you know what? It's not fair. I can't currently think of anything about mental health issues that IS fair... And, it's not like pointing out unfairness is going to solve any problems, per se, but sometimes it can help on some level to know that someone else recognizes the injustice. And, let me tell you, I recognize it.

   So, it was brought to my attention that A LOT of people struggle with (seemingly) simple things, such as going to the store for basic necessities. And, when I think about it, that's just ridiculous. I do NOT mean that we are ridiculous for being anxious about these things, but it is totally and completely ridiculous that we have to deal with the Anxiety Monster in the first place. 

   I'm writing all of this because I recently received a blog/vlog topic suggestion from someone on the website, asking for ideas on how to "keep your cool," so to speak, in public places. I thought this was a pretty great suggestion, so I thought I'd try to offer up my oh-so unprofessional advice to anyone who is interested. 


   First of all, it seems like most of the time the worst part of the anxiety comes before I'm actually doing the thing that makes me anxious. For example, I will get super crazy anxious when I'm at home, before I go to the library, but if I can just make myself leave the house...the library (the thing that was making me so anxious) usually isn't NEARLY as bad as the Anxiety Monster was convincing me it would be. Sometimes just getting yourself up and out is the most challenging part, and the phrase "twenty seconds of insane courage" is what I use to help get myself in motion. 

   I started using this after watching We Bought a Zoo. It's a cute family movie in which Matt Damon's character tells his son that twenty seconds of courage is all it takes to do something great. He promises that just twenty seconds of (potentially) embarrassing bravery will result in something that was worth the act of courage. It may sound cheesy, but it freaking works. Try it. After all, what do you have to lose? 

As far as staying calm once you are in the situation that makes you anxious, here are some ideas:

• Slow, deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. [Some of you have told me that this makes you focus too much on your breathing and then you panic. If that is the case, obviously this probably wouldn't be your best option.] Kati Morton actually has an awesome video on how to do a relaxation breathing exercise that I recommend all the time. 
• Positive distractions. This can be something like listening to music while you walk through the store, library, etc. or you can bring a stress ball or worry stone...just something to fidget with. You can even ask a trusted friend to go with you, or you could call that person while at the store. You can also count sheep (or dinosaurs) in your head or try mental math. 
• Talk yourself through it. Just tell yourself what is *actually* going on. "Okay, I'm going to a store. I need to pick up a few things. This makes me so anxious and that sucks but it won't kill me. Chances are, it won't even be that bad. Chances are, I will be glad that I went." Stuff like that. Try to be mindful of the situation and you might be surprised by the results.
• Don't fight it. You heard me. Don't fight the fact that you are anxious. Accept it and try to do what you need/want to do anyway. I find that my anxiety gets way worse if I try to control it. However, if I talk myself through the anxiety and what I'm feeling, it gives me something to focus my energy on instead of freaking out about being anxious. 

   I hope this oh-so unprofessional advice is of some help to someone out there. If you have anything you'd like to see me blog (or vlog) about, please feel free to let me know. I'd love to hear your thoughts!


Until Next Time, 
Carly (But really Batman)

I'm Not Dumb

I’m not dumb. But, if I’m being honest, I have frequently felt dumb throughout most of my life (mostly when it came to school). However, I am not “dumb;” I am dyslexic. And unfortunately, if you aren’t familiar with what dyslexia actually is, it can be difficult to tell the difference.

I was told I was dyslexic my senior year of high school (you know, after 12 or so years of feeling like I was stupid, doing poorly on tests, and just struggling through school in general), but no one ever really explained what exactly that meant. I mean, until yesterday I thought having dyslexia only explained why I sometimes mix up my numbers and letters. I’m so glad that I randomly thought to read up on the topic a bit, because…HOLY.SHIT. I could hardly believe all the ways in which dyslexia can affect your life!

Before I go any further, I want to say that, like most things, dyslexia can affect people differently, and obviously I am only speaking on behalf of my own experiences.
I had no idea that some of my weird little “quirks” could be explained by my dyslexia. For example, I have always been teased (sometimes more playfully than others) for the way I tell stories. I tend to describe every single detail, more or less, and the story takes forever to be told. And despite being teased about this for years (which has really bothered me at times), I still sometimes find it nearly impossible to just summarize a story.

Another big “quirk” of mine is that I have a difficult time organizing my thoughts in conversation. If you’ve watched any of my vlogs, I’m rather positive you’ve heard me say, “What are words?” after messing or mixing up a sentence or saying the wrong form of a word. As I’m sure you can imagine, that gets extremely frustrating. It makes me feel dumb, confused, and is overly frustrating because I KNOW that I know how to speak or “do words,” as I’ve also probably mentioned in my vlogs, you know?

But, the thing is, I AM NOT DUMB! And reading about dyslexia and being able to explain these “quirks” is beyond fantastic. It’s such a tremendous relief. I mean, so what if I tend to transpose my words and mix up my sentences (saying things like “mawn lower” instead of “lawn mower”)?! Who cares if I have a difficult time comprehending what I’m reading or following a set of directions?! Okay, well, that last one could get tricky in certain situations…lol. But I think you see my point. I absolutely loath idioms because I have an extremely difficult time understanding them and that isn’t because I’m “dumb,” it’s because I have dyslexia…and knowing the difference feels pretty awesome right now.

Hyperbolic Expressions

♫ I'm a little bit of everything all rolled into one ♫

I'm not sure there is a better way to describe me than with the above borrowed lyrics. The very first line of that same song is ♫ I hate the world today ♫ ...Speak to me, Meredith Brooks. 

I tend to say that quite a bit, actually. Honestly, I probably speak the words "I hate the world," "I hate people," and "I hate everything" more than anyone you currently know or will ever meet. However, that doesn't translate to me literally hating the world, people, and or everything. While I would put myself somewhere between "cynic" and "realist," those phrases are mostly just a hyperbolic expression of my disappointment. Three cheers for being self-aware? Or something...*shrug*

The problem, though, with saying those things is that people don't always know not to take you literally or seriously or "with a grain of salt" if you're a fan of idioms. Which, by the way, I most definitely am not. I hate idioms...and this time I'm not being hyperbolic. It's like, JUST SAY WHAT YOU MEAN AND DON'T GIVE ME SOME VERBAL PUZZLE I HAVE TO DECODE IN ORDER TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING. *clears throat* Anyway. Saying these things can easily come across as being overly negative (hence the word "hate") and make you seem depressed or even hateful. I mean, I understand why someone might think those things if they don't know you well but I don't think of myself as a particularly hateful or overly negative person. And as far as depression goes (or any other mental issue, for that matter), I tend to not be as open about those things when I'm struggling. Meaning, I wouldn't generally post an update on social media about feeling depressed or whatever but I would totally post something that said, "I hate the world...". Maybe that's backwards or weird, but that's me. And that's why I love the following borrowed lyrics, courtesy of Meredith Brooks:

♫I think it's cool, you do what you do and don't try to save me ♫

Just because I sometimes use hyperbolic phrases to express disappointments doesn't mean I need to be "saved," as the 90s classic so appropriately put it. I don't need to be rescued or whatever because of some exaggerated and over-the-top statement. Also, PLEASE don't ask me if I'm okay, but instead ask me how I'm doing if you're really that curious. What I mean by that is, don't assume there is constantly something wrong that I need to talk about. Maybe I should change my name to Frank, but it gets frustrating to feel like you have to defend your O.K. Factor and I'm guessing I'm not the only person who has experienced something like this. 

I hope I'm not coming off as mean or bitchy or whatevs, because I don't mean it like that. I understand and appreciate that asking me if I'm okay comes from a kind and caring place, but I feel it could be approached in a different way. I just think it's important to be aware of and think about stuff like this, and to be aware of others in general. And regardless of your personal opinion of me, I highly suggest you go listen to (and even watch the music video for) "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks and rock out until your heart's content. 

Until Next Time, 
Carly (but really Batman)

There's Nothing Like a Good Cup

Cue the bed music! ♫ It’s a beautiful mornin’ ahhh… ♫

Isn’t coffee wonderful? It comes in all different forms, types, states of matter, shapes (Shapes? I know, just go with it.) and sizes. And the taste? Don’t even get me started. There’s good coffee, bad coffee, drip coffee, gas station coffee, Starbucks coffee, Tim Horton’s coffee, Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, and (Hold up, I’m gonna say this next one with a Sofia Vergara accent so prepare yourself accordingly.) Colombian coffee. Then we have the roasts. There’s breakfast blend roast, English roast, dark roast, medium roast, Italian roast, French roast, classic roast and now I’ve said the word “roast” so many times that it’s beginning to sound strange so I’ll stop myself there. I’m sure you get my point, though… There are googolplexes of different kinds of coffee and different ways to flavor and then consume that oh-so-tasty beverage. 

My next point is that coffee can vary greatly from one type to the next, just like humans. And each individual cup of coffee has the potential to be unique and different from the last cup you had, just like days. You will have good cups and bad cups in the same way that you will have good days and bad days. And, while I totally get that the bad cups can sincerely suck, you simply cannot stop wanting or hoping for or working towards a good cup of coffee just because you had a bad cup. Or two. Or eleven. Or twenty-three years worth of bad cups. And, in fact, if you have, indeed, experienced twenty-three years worth of total bullshit that is all the more reason to strive for total non-bullshit experiences. Think about how amazing those positive experiences could potentially be…
Just don’t give up because there is always hope. And I pinky promise that you are worth that good cup of coffee, among other things.